Feeling sad, angry, resenting life, or grieving the good old days or what you used to do.   This episode might be just coming at the right time for you.  

Sadness 

• You see your sick loved one and can’t do anything about it
• The affection is different
• You miss the person of the past  
• You think about your future 

As a caregiver, you’re at risk for depression.  Sometimes you feel hopeless or helpless.  You cab't sleep and have trouble facing the day.   

You're human and it's normal to feel sad.  It’s normal to get down.  But like I said last week, in episode 30, you can’t stay there.  It can lead to depression, health issues, and caregiver stress, burnout and compassion fatigue.   Get my free resource on caregiver stress 

Anger

• Anger and frustration are a normal part of being around someone who needs help on an ongoing basis and who might not be accepting of help. 
• Forgive yourself.  Find constructive ways to express yourself, learn to walk away and give yourself a “time out.” Identify supportive people you can talk to who will listen as you vent about the thing.
• When tired and stressed, it's harder to stay in control of the things you say and feel. 
• If you find yourself feeling cranky and irritable, you probably need a break. You may need to get some rest, as we're in less control when tired. 

Resentment.   When put in a situation not of our choosing, it’s not uncommon to feel negative and resentful. 

• Family situations and dynamics can be a real challenge
• Perhaps it’s your work challenges
• Maybe it’s just resentment of your own time and joy
• Little things easily become big things when we feel unappreciated and unacknowledged

It's easy to forget about the good things that have happened or are happening when you only focus on the negative.  

Staying in resentment changes who you...

Just when you think you have it figured out, there is a challenging day, week or urgent situation that happens.  Reality is that there are tons and tons of variables which play into your stressors and anxiety:  atmosphere, people, your love one (illness, injury, mood), your mood, outside distractions, frustrations and more. 

Dr Roderick Logan from Arizona Trauma Institute shared a You Tube presentation where he uses a water bottle to demonstrate the need for resilience to overcome stress and compassion fatigue in the workplace and personal life.   

How to reduce or stop feeling anxious, referenced WebMD

1. Stay in your time zone
2. Relabel what's happening
3. Fact-check your thoughts
4. Breathe in and out
5. Follow the 3-3-3 rule
6. Just do something
7. Stand up straight
8. Stay away from sugar
9. Ask for a second opinion
10. Watch a funny video or music

Tips to manage stress, referenced WebMD

1. Exercise
2. Relax your muscles
3. Deep breathing
4. Eat well
5. Slow down
6. Take a break
7. Make time for hobbies
8. Talk about your problems
9. Go easy on yourself
10. Eliminate your triggers

Identify which caregiver stress stage you are in.  You can then make adjustments and find ways to reduce and manage it.  

You can then start setting healthy boundaries or what I like to call self-love boundaries.  Remember the goal is to find joy in your journey and take care of yourself.  

I never thought I would experience it again.  

These past couple weeks I have been riding the emotional roller coaster of caregiving - again.   

The words that come to mind are sudden, unexpected and why.

Cancer sucks.  It is a nasty disease.   

Aging sucks.  I hate the circle of life right now.  

But this podcast isn’t a pity party or a Debbie downer.  It’s funny how fast you forget about those firsts.  

• The first inkling that something isn’t right with your loved one.
• The initial shock and numbness when you hear the bad news.
• Then comes all those emotions.  
• Hours of sadness, crying, grief before you really need to
• Anger, frustration 
• Worry, confusion 
• Feeling those nerves inside shaking
• You can’t focus

First, let me tell you about my Mom.  I’m blessed to have a great mother-daughter relationship.  

She is an energizer bunny.  The social butterfly.  The one that is always willing to help.  She is the hard working blue collar worker with her own cleaning business.  She is still cleaning small apartments at age 79.   

She was married to my Dad 57 years until Dad passed away in 2018.  They both traveled, enjoyed spending time together and spent 15 winters in Arizona with their retirement village friends.  It amazed me to see the activities they did from riding motor cycles to ATVs to DIYing and much more.  

Mom and I did some Mother Daughter trips to Jamaica, Arizona, Minneapolis and Branson

In the last 3 years, I watched my Mom transform from a struggling widow to a strong, independent and happy woman.  If you follow me on Facebook, you might see many photos of our Sunday Fundays together.  When I visit at her senior apartment, her phone is always ringing and someone is knocking on her door.  

But now, she is faced with cancer.  I noticed...

This week I started my Spring gardening prep.   

I can’t clean out the leaves and debris yet since until it gets warmer since the bees, butterflies and other little insects are trying to stay warm yet.  But it’s time to prune the bushes and trees.  

My husband just rolls his eyes and goes along with my gardening passion.   If it was up to him, we would just leave it.  But I want the plants and trees needs just a bit of help to show their beauty.  

Here’s the definition: 

Pruning removes dead and dying branches and stubs, allowing room for new growth and protecting your property and passerby from damage. It also deters pest and animal infestation and promotes the plant's natural shape and healthy growth.

It’s also a reminder that we can do our own personal pruning too.  

• Can you prune back those dead or dying branches?   What are those for you?
• Is it worry?   Can you find a way to cut back that branch?
• Is it  negativity?  And distancing yourself from negativity (news, social media, ppl)

Is it anger and resentment that consumers your mind? 

• Pruning allows room for new growth.   When you release those bad habits, bad thoughts, and accept your new reality, you will allow for those buds, blossoms and new growth.  
• How are you allowing for new growth?   It starts with mindset. 
• Journal gratitude - 5 things each morning
• Affirmation - those words you tell yourself - post them on your mirror, set a timer on your phone to remind you
• Coaching - speaking with someone to look at your situation and improve
• Meditation and quiet thoughts

• Pruning protects your property - yourself.   When you pivot your mindset, set healthy boundaries and manage your new normal, you are starting to take care of yourself.     
• You can’t expect that beautiful crab apple tree to blossom every spring into...

We are talking about the caregiver type called Nostalgic.  

Do you find yourself saying:

• "Ah, the good old days" 
• "If only I could go back and relive those moments." 
• "I wish I could rewind the movie of my life and enjoy the way it was."  

Well friend, we're going to dive deep into this today and talk about the qualities and the impacts of being a Nostalgic.  

If you haven’t taken our quiz called “What’s your Caregiver style?  Go to cathylvan.com/quiz     

I want to start out with a story from my past.  

I lived in a middle class, blue collar home.  My dad worked in the automotive business and my mom clean houses.  They worked hard and took pride in the things they had.  They were always doing home improvement and working on the curb appeal of our home.  But one thing I really remember was the fun time.  When they weren’t working, they liked to play hard.    My Dad remodel the basement in our ranch home

• Indoor outdoor carpet in the basement
• Family room on one side 
• Table in the middle to sit around and do crafts, play games
• Mom hung our family pictures and those uncomfortable grade school pictures
• Dad built his bar at the other end with bar stools, his stereo (8 track tapes)
• Entertaining area - played cards, had my bottled pop and every so often Dad would pull out the video reel and we would sit and watch old movies of ourselves

Why am I telling you this?   Everyone of us has a bit of nostalgia in us and hopefully we all embrace those wonderful memories. 

One of the caregiver styles of our quiz is 

The Nostalgic Caregiver looks at their Loved One remembering those special past experiences and memories.  You desire to return to an earlier time in life by wishing things were back the way they were.   

It was extremely hard to watch my Dad crinkle and crumble away...

Today's episode is all about you and your overwhelm.  The true facts about how this stress, anxiety, burnout and fatigue creep up on you and before you know it, you are in the thick of it and don’t know what to do.  

When I first became a caregiver, I let the adrenaline drive me through the overwhelm.  When that faded, I let my mind and body do the work.  Well looking back, I now see the 3 stages of overwhelm I went through and it’s toll it took on myself, my Loved One, my friendships and more.  

That’s why over the last month, I sat down and really did some digging into this subject.  I researched 100s of articles, interviewed caregivers and fead all my journal entries, text messages, facebook post on where I was at.

So today, I want to highlight the 3 stages of caregiver overwhelm - the whats, the why, the hows and more.    You can find the entire resource at cathylvan.com/caregiverstress

1. Caregiver Stress
2. Caregiver Burnout
3. Compassion Fatigue

Overwhelm is reality.  It’s hard, It sucks but it can be a joyful and rewarding experience.  So when you run over that nail or screw,  think about how you want to fix it vs just putting air in your tire.  Get in front of your overwhelm by seeking help or tools to get you on the path to reducing the stress and anxiety.  

So grab my free resource at cathylvan.com/caregiverstress.   Let me help you through this journey.   It is important to look at your caregiver cup and control what goes in it.  You can’t pour from an empty cup.   

Send hugs and warmth your way.   Talk to you again next week. 

Feeling Stretched?  Feeling like you have no time for anything?  Feeling frazzled and can’t even look beyond now? 

This is your new normal.  This is your new reality.  

How does that make you feel  when I say that?   Let me say it again.  This is your new normal.  This is your new reality.  

When I was in the thick of my caregiving overwhelm, I felt unprepared, stretched, frazzled and exhausted.  I was angry.  I would sit and cry.  I felt hopeless and even thought that there was something wrong with me.  I didn’t want to admit my new reality.  For some reason I thought this was a temporary thing. 

I was missing deadlines at work.  Couldn’t focus.   I make mistakes on my finances and my Mom’s finances.  I would lose my phone and my keys.   Any extra time I had, I would sit lifeless and just scroll social media or sleep.  

I was thinking,  am I getting dementia.  I lost control.   

The Reality is……..

Your life is now different.  Your schedule has changed.  Your responsibilities have changes.  

Raise your hand if you need to rethink your routine, schedule and mindset?  

My breakthrough was when I realized that I couldn’t just let this new normal control me.  I had to take the reins and control it.  

Life is valuable.  Your time is valuable.  Your health is valuable.  Your passions are valuable.  Your loved one is important to you.  Your friends and social life are important 

I told myself, I had it in me to figure it out.  I had to think like the manager of my life.  Think about the coach telling that player, I need you to play QB.   We need you.  Your mind might say - I never played that position before.  I don’t know the plays.   Well, what would you do?

Same goes...

FACT:  You have 168 hours a week.  24 hours a day.  No more.  

• How many hours do you work your 9-5 job or business?
• How many hours do you spend doing work around your home?
• How many hours errands (that grocery shopping, pharmacy hours)
• Now at the time of the podcast - it’s holiday season - so how many hours are you shopping, wrapping, baking, decorating or doing other activities of the season. 
• How many hours do you spend caregiving
• Then your time and hopefully it’s self-care your me time 

Have you said any of these words out loud or to yourself  

• I am so tired? 
• I can barely make it through the day. 
• I would give anything to take a nap. 
• I can’t remember the last time I had a goodnight sleep. 
• Ijust keep drinking caffeine hoping to stay awake. 

Here was a schedule I had back in 2017 

• It’s Monday
• Get up at 5:30 am 
• Household chores (throw in a load of wash, tidy up around the house and water the flowers outside)
• Pack my lunch and work laptop and supplies)
• Journal and 30 minutes of working my business
• Then shower and quick breakfast
• 7:00 - drive my spouse to his day 1 of 3 chemotherapies and doctor appointments
• Lab work, doctor’s appt and then sit by the chemotherapy chair until 3pm
• I work my 9-5 job during that time
• 3pm drive spouse home.  He is not feeling well.  So get him in his lazy boy with crackers, jello and a warm blanket.
• Go to my home office and finish 9-5 job.  
• 5pm:  fold that laundry, make dinner, dishes - spouse isn’t hungry and goes to bed.  
• 7-10 pm:  work on my business
• 10pm check on spouse and get ready for bed
• 11pm spouse is up not feeling well - get him some Tylenol
• Can’t sleep due to worry - get up and down checking on spouse

The next day the same.  

Here’s another day in 2018

• 7am - decided to sleep in later now since I am so tired from last...

As I was prepping for this podcast,  I went back to a dark day in 2018.   I didn’t want to get out of bed, I called in sick from my 9-5 job and actually lied about being sick.   I just wanted to get in the car and drive away.  How far could I go before anyone noticed? I seriously wanted to run away from my life.  

That day I did go for a drive.  I spent that day really figuring out where I was.  I had to face reality.  I had to accept my new normal, grieve my old life and move forward.   It was a huge tipping point for me. 

It is hard to face this reality , but truth is, you have to hear it .  You have to take that step forward.

I have a free handout for you.  This is what I wrote out that day.  Go to www. cathylvan.com/newnormal 

Now it’s not the magical potion or a solution, but it helped me shift my thoughts and emotions to make the best of the situation and get that positive mindset working. 

I want to talk about YOU, your choices and your new normal.   

• It’s hard
• It sucks
• You can’t focus
• I am stressed
• I am angry
• I am in shock
• I am confused
• I think you get what I am saying.  

It’s not fair and you didn’t see it coming.  

But you could say - it’s bad, it’s awful, I am done.  I can’t do this.  I have to quit my life, It’s my life now.  

Or you can say this new normal is my new challenge, my new struggle and I will adjust.   

I love this stat.    A person has 60k thoughts daily.  45k of those thoughts are negative, pessimistic, doubtful, etc.  That means only 25% of our thoughts are positive, optimistic, etc

So it takes a heck of a lot of work to shift your brain, train your brain and look at it with reality and the choice to be positive.

Caregiving it hard.  Watching your spouse’s illness or injury is hard.  

I remember going to the...

My caregiving journey started in September 2017.  Life went from normal to being tossed in the air falling apart.   I know that’s pretty dramatic, but that was reality.   

It meant immediate action mode to help my spouse fight cancer.   I learned the many roles of Caregiver fast (scheduler, advocate, chauffeur, nurse)  plus all the medical terminologies and procedures ( biopsies, hematology, chemotherapy, CT scans, PET scans).

In the midst of this, I felt like I was riding a roller coaster.  My emotions went from shock to lack of focus to sadness to denial to worry to anger and more.   Then when I felt like I could manage my emotions, overwhelm and exhaustion became my new visitor.  

In today’s episode, I’m sharing the one thing that shifted me in the right direction.   I took 15 minutes and sat down with a notebook and pen and reflected on the big picture. 

Get my FREE “big picture” handout that will get you to see where you were, where you are and gets you working towards a better version of you in this caregiving journey.

Let’s get to this big picture episode!