I think you are going to like this episode.  Much of my inspiration has come from the book I’m reading called Boundary Boss, The essential guide to talk true, be seen, and finally live free.  By Terri Cole.  This book came highly recommended from Paula in our Caregiver Cup Circle.  Paula, if you are listening thank you.   

So in today’s episode, I’m going to focus in on an ahha moment when I read about guilt.   In the book, Terri Cole referred to it as Boundary Bomb #1 The Blame - Shame - Guilt Trifecto.   When you are trying to set healthy boundaries for yourself and how these feelings and emotions start creeping in and derail you from actually setting those healthy boundaries.  

Welcome to Episode 121.  Before we jump into the topic today, I want to ask you how you are doing?   It’s been a heat wave kinda summer so I hope you are staying cool and safe.   My weekend was good.   My Saturday was just to catch my breath.  I took an early morning walk at 5:30 with my spouse and the dogs.   Then came back and did some gardening.  I then journal, meditated, did some reading and body weights.   It was my quiet and own time.  When I do that, I feel a sense of peace because the weekdays, I have to be done and ready to go by 8am for my corporate job.  Denis grilled up some steaks on the grill and had a baked potato and salad.  On Sunday, we took my Mom to a polka festival.  We watch the parade and went to the vendor fair.  I was raised with polka music on Sunday mornings after church so it always takes me back to my childhood when we go.  

Ok…   that’s enough about me,  let’s jump in to today’s episode.  

Guilt. This is very familiar for many caregivers: Guilt that you’re not doing enough or that you can’t please your loved one.  It may be that you take time for yourself and you can’t enjoy yourself because you feel guilty.  Caregiver guilt can manifest into feelings that you are stuck in a long tunnel and can’t see the end.  It may even manifest into denying yourself the time alone so that you don’t feel that guilt anymore.  

You need to realize that the feelings of guilt you have are perfectly normal. In today’s fast-paced world, it can seem like there is not enough time for any one thing; hence, multi-tasking has become the new normal.

You need time off for yourself and it’s not being selfish, it is simply being human. And caregivers who take the time to care for their own needs are often healthier physically and emotionally and best able to care for their loved ones. 

As I am reading Boundary Boss, I like how it talks about setting boundaries.   What I really like is that you set external boundaries and internal boundaries.  

If you set boundaries with others (like your loved one, family, friends, etc) you are setting external boundaries telling them how you will or won’t interact with them.  

Internal boundaries dictate how you interact with yourself.  

Let’s say you block off a time to go to a yoga class.  It’s you one time a week that you get away and you enjoy this time with your yoga friends and then go for a smoothie afterwards.   You’ve communicated with your loved one, family and have this time reserved for you.  

Now your loved one comes to you and says they need you to drive them to an appointment and then the pharmacy.  They tell you they forgot to let you know they had an appointment and since you are closest, they don’t want to bother the other family since they are farther away.  

First, how do you feel about your healthy boundaries being broken?   Do you feel anger, frustration, or sadness?  

What are you thinking?  Are you pissed that you’re always the go to person?   Or, I never get time to myself?   

Are you thinking like a people pleaser?  Well, it’s only a yoga class and I can cancel.  My loved on needs me.

But if you are setting healthy internal boundaries meaning you are committed to yourself, it requires self-knowledge and strength to follow through on your own word and promise to yourself.  Your internal boundaries dictate the limits you place on experiences and feelings you allow within yourself.  They directly reflect the health of your relationship with yourself.  

Woooo  - powerful, it’s it.  

You could abandon yourself.  You could break your promise to yourself.  

Your internal boundaries are incredibly value.   If you make a promise to yourself to stay healthy as a caregiver, it requires some work.  

I’m not saying abandon your loved one.  But in this case, you have to ask yourself, is this an emergency.  

So…  what if you said no?  Would you say no?  

Let me reword this,  you are saying I have committed to a yoga class, I paid for it and I can’t take you at this time.   

How does this make you feel?   Do you feel guilty?  

In this great book,  Terri Cole write be careful for those Boundary Boss Bombs where you start self=sabotaging yourself.  

Here first one is The Blame-Shame-Guilt Trifecta.   These are the fear driven emotions that kick our self-respect and self-esteem.  

We don’t want to get in trouble or have our loved one mad at us or be punished so we deflect or debate our decision.   But debating our decision it doesn’t allow us to listen to the understanding of our intentions.  

Insisting you are right may seem like it shields you from blame, shame and guilt, but what you really need to do is have productive conversations with your loved one.  

Let’s talk about blame - it’s the fear of judgment and the sensitivity around it.  When you habitually blame yourself, you create this illusion of yourself that not in control.  

The difference between shame and guilt is that guilt feels like you did something wrong vs shame feels like you, as a person, are wrong.  

What really stuck with me is that there is healthy guilt meaning it can actually motivate you towards positive action and self-correction.    If you feel guilty, you can make peace with it, apologize, or take responsibility for your actions which improve your self-worth.   We all make mistakes and freeing ourselves and cleaning them up is needed.  

But unhealthy or toxic guilt is a different beast.  The book says it’s related to disordered international boundaries, such as take guilt on for other people’s feelings or situations, which are beyond your control.   Think about how exhausting this can be.   It may stem from your past, culture and/ or people pleasing tendencies.  

It’s so important to understand why your feel guilt, where is that emotions coming from.  Is it leggit?  Is it a healthy guilt that  you can improve on?  

Now I don’t want you to leave this episode feeling like you are failing.  I want you to be honest with yourself.  You and I both have to set healthy boundaries and especially internal healthy boundaries.    As a caregiver this is not easy.   We will encounter those bombs (as Terri Cole ) says when you give in or loss control and that’s ok.  The most effective people do that.  I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve overcommitted to work project, to volunteer positions, to my to-do and more.   If you are a high achiever or have a heart of gold, you will feel overcommitted.  

But now more than ever, you need to put yourself on top of that list.  You are priority.  You are the reliable vehicle that is driving the car for your loved one.  If the car breaks down (meaning you), you won’t get there.  

Well, my friend,  I hope you enjoyed this episode.   If anything, I want you to start thinking about this.  IT’s a huge shift for some but when you put that line down that you are committed to yourself, it is such a great feeling. 

You can be an effective caregiver and take care of yourself too.

You can be that great caregiver spouse, daughter, friend, wife, sister that cares deeply about your loved one but also loves herself.  

You can’t burn the candle at both ends. You can run yourself ragged with anger and resentment.  Burnout and fatigue are dangerous for you.  

So let’s take the first step together by recognizing if we are setting healthy boundaries internally.   If not, then take small steps and start working on it.  

Talking about small steps,  the next episode - we are going to talk about how you can begin those.  

One thing I did this past week was put a screen saver on my phone simply stating “keep your promise to yourself”.  If you want that image, DM, and I can send it your way.    This is my constant reminder to put myself first.  

Well I think it’s time to sign off.  As always, I so appreciate you.   Drop me a DM and tell me how your are going.  Screen share this episode if you think it will help someone else.  Let’s spread the word.   Lastly, do me a favor and if you can… rate and review my podcast.  

Love you and remember, keep your promise to yourself today. 

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>> Check out Episode 41 on Caregiver Guilt also.

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