I was really debating how to start this podcast this week.  Meaning should I do the cautious and gentle start or should I just come out and say it.   Well since I care so deeply for you and i know you need to hear this, I am not going to sugar coat it.   You may disagree with me and that’s ok.  Our roles of caregiving are very different and our situations are very different.  But what is the same is that we control our mindset and we can choose how we think and feel.  

So, here it is:   Many people say, I am just going to survive and it’s all about survival during this caregiving season.    I disagree.   It’s not like you are on a little boat in the middle of the ocean with sharks around you.  It’s not like you’re stuck in a blizzard in your car and buried.  

I know these are extreme examples.    But I hope you get it.   

Your loved one may be in an extreme situation and trying to make it one more day.  But YOU can make micro changes and shifts to help yourself.  

But in your defense and mine as well, we may not be able to see that.  It may be so hard, so dark, so intense, that we say things like - I can’t, there is no other choice, I’m stuck, this is my life or it is what it is.   

So I want to share my story where I came to that realization.  

It was a sunny June day in 2018 and my mood and mind were not at all sunny.  I could barely get my head off my pillow and was suppose to go to work.   I just couldn’t.  I called in sick and decided a good walk might just help me to clear my head and boost my mode.  So I drove over to my favorite local park and trail.  

As I drove into the parking lot, I saw walkers and runners and just lost it.  This was the trail I ran my 9th half marathon on just months ago and I stopped running right after that - this was something I truly enjoyed and missed it tons.    

Sitting in the park that day, I couldn’t even open the car door.  I just started sobbing.  It finally all bubbled up.     I know you can relate - maybe yours wasn’t in the car but the shower or talking to a friend or laying in bed at night.   The uncontrollable crying that you can’t hold in anymore.  Crying over your loved one or crying over yourself?

I was letting all the anger out.  All the sadness out.  The frustrations of carrying all the weight on my shoulders.   All the grief, pressures and no time to myself.  As much as i liked being around family and friends, I need my down time and I didn’t have that in months..   That day the steering wheel took the brunt of my anger - I was shaking it and pounding on it - the steering why did this happen.   How do I keep going like this.

As I sat there, I thought about the last year was filled with both my Dad and Spouse being diagnosed with stage 4 cancers within 2 weeks of each.   Both these men were in chemotherapy at the same time.  My Dad finally chose to quit his chemo and just be home and within months he lost his battle with pancreatic cancer.    I was fortunate enoughtspent the last 18 days with my Dad and family by his side and then a funeral and them helping mom figure out her new life.  

As I sat there - I thought - Denis is still sick and now mom needs me.    

I was putting on a good face and if you looked at me, you would think I had it all figured out but - heck no.   I wasn’t sleeping at night - worrying about everything.   Will Denis’ cancer go into remission (little did I know it would not be until take 4 more years from that date in the park.  Will mom be ok.  I was taking so much time off at work and when I was there, I really wasn’t there.  

I was so so tired.  My gut was a mess. I wasn’t taking care of myself at all.  I know you can relate to this too.  I canceled my yearly physical, my eye appt, my dental appt and stopped going to the gym.  I was just in survival mode and I was spinning out of control physically and mentally.  Then….   I said it…   I can’t do this anymore.  

Wait…  I wasn’t suicidal.   What my mind and body was telling me was that I couldn’t sustain everything.   I couldn’t sustain my current state.   I missed my old life and I knew I couldn’t go back but I could figure out a new normal I feel good about.  

After a while the sobs slowed down.  I felt a sense of release to let it all out.  It was the first time I stopped and reflected on that last year  

Sometimes you just need to slow down and listen to your body and mind.  

I opened that car door and took a breath of fresh air and let the sunshine warm my tears on my face.  

Letting all of it out was healthy and I would recommend you do that but don’t just stop there.  

You want to think about what things you can change.   I know the resistance that comes to you mind when I say - change.   The words - you can’t, it’s not possible, how the heck can I change anything right now.   

I grabbed my notebook and pen and sat on the roof of my malibu.  

• Old Life - what did I do prior to caregiving
• Current Life - what (the tears came back as I was writing it all out - I could see what had changed and why I felt the way I did)

Then I flipped to a new page and wrote down things I could control - that was ME.  Here I just brainstormed what I could do that would make my days better knowing I still had to be a caregiver and help mom with Dad’s estate 

Now I knew I couldn’t just turn the switch on.   So I identified a couple things a week to start with and wrote down SIMPLICITY on my paper

• Walk around the block every day - it was 10 minutes - I can find the time
• Drink my water - I filled my water bottles and drank them throughout the day.  

I noticed these two simple things gave me more energy and boosted my mood.  Sure things were still tough.  But I could control these two things and I felt like I gave myself a gift.  

Then I added another on week two - I started drink my spinach protein shake each day.  No more carbs or sugar in the morning.  Pulse my walk and water.  I actually did 2 blocks that week.  

Now I’m not perfect and it took me years to figure this out and years to not feel guilty about putting myself first.   Instead of surviving at caregiving, I learned that I could thrive and manage my caregiver life.   A new normal that I feel good about.  

As the years went on I learned that I could ask for help and delegate things like partnering with my brother to drive mom to appointments.  Like allowing my spouse to sit alone at his chemotherapy vs sitting by his side.  That was a hard one but he had a nurse taking care of him and he like that time to rest and watch a movie.  I then could do errands or go back to work.   

I learned to let go of the things that I couldn't control.  If I had to take care of caregiving, I had to have conversations with my boss on my workload.  I had to be confident with my team at work to cover for me.  It was ok that I didn't do everything.

I eventually got back on track and saw the importance of taking care of my health.  My doctors helped me with my symptoms caused from the stresses of caregiving.  My recommendation is to let your doctor’s know what your situation is.   Most caregivers develop healthy issues at this time and when you can stay on top of it, they can recommend things for you.   

Fast forward to today,  My mom is in remission from lung cancer and lupus.  My spouse finished his stem cell transplant and is in remission from Hodgkins Lymphoma and I found a way to strive, thrive and live a new normal I feel good about.   It’s by far not perfect, but I found that when I fill my cup with small amounts each day, I can be a better person.   I work full-time in a corporate 100 company, I am an entrepreneur (as you know  The Caregiver Cup) and walk 3 miles each day, garden and find joy in the little things.   I continue to find ways to adjust and shift.  If something isn’t work or my emotions are tipping, I think back to driving to the park and working through it.   

You know what you can shift and things you can.   And the most important things that help me when I had this closed minded thoughts - was community.  

Finding other caregivers to talk to.   My friends were the ones who challenged me on those nos  

Why can’t you take a day off?  Why do you have to take you loved one?  Why can’t you get some help?   

You need people in your corner to look out for you and give you ideas to think about.  

I want to invite you to The Caregiver Cup Circle.  It’s a small group of women caregiver that get together twice per month and we chat for an hour.  What going well.  What’s not going well.  You are free to share your feelings and we all get it.  We support each other, lift each other up, and.   give each other feedback .   There has been some pretty amazing conversations and gratitudes.  

Check out the caregiver cup circle at https://www.cathylvan.com/caregivercircle

So my friend,  I hope you found one thing or thought that can move you from just surviving to a new normal you feel good about.  A new normal where you can find community, fill your cup each day and find joy in the little things around you. 

Join the Caregiver Cup Circle  ❤️ https://www.cathylvan.com/caregivercircle
The small group meets every other Tuesday.  We would love to have you!

>>CONNECT WITH CATHY ON INSTAGRAM @cathylynnvan for daily tips and inspiration
https://instagram.com/cathylynnvan/