Welcome my friend to another episode of the Caregiver Cup Podcast.  I want to talk about something we don’t normally talk about but it is something we think about more often than necessary.    When things don’t go well or when challenges happen, our brain likes to go to that “bad” side.  

This weekend, I invited my brother, sister-in-law and mom over for a Sunday afternoon BBQ lunch.   It’s been so long since we started hosting again and sent my brother a text to come over.   When my brother arrived he seemed nervous and quiet. I hugged him and we sat down on our patio.   After a bit of time, he admitted that he thought something was wrong and he was worried that he was going to get yelled at or we were going to give him bad news or something was wrong with mom. 

It’s funny how our brains like to think the worst and we spend all that time in our heads with negativity, anxiety, sadness and worry.  

Where are you with those thoughts in your mind?   Pay attention.   What feelings come up?  What emotions stir?  What actions do you do?  

One of the biggest mistakes I see caregivers make when they are juggling it all and extremely exhausted is that they start giving in to the overwhelm and their own stress.  

Why?,  because that’s the easy response.  Just pay attention to the world around us.  

I picked up my Mom for the BBQ and we were gabbing in the car and I wasn’t pay much attention.  It was a quiet Sunday afternoon and I stopped at the stop sign.  I didn’t see the truck coming down the street.  The truck was in that spot between the windshield and the side door.  That long strip of metal that’s about 6 inches.  Well I started pulling out and immediately saw he was coming.  I stopped right away and the gentleman was screaming and flipping me off and raising his hands.    I just mouthed - Sorry and smiled.  In the past,I would have felt terrible and harped on the fact that I could have gotten in the accident.   Instead, I was grateful for seeing the truck and I let it go.  It was just a reminder to pay attention.  

This leads to another question…  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Or why are you so hard on yourself?  

This question created great discussion in The Caregiver Cup Circle this week.    I can’t share the actual situations but what I can say is (you and I) as caregivers tend to be people pleasers, go getters, high achievers and really think we can do it all.  

Stop beating yourself up for something you forgot or missed.  Those first few doctor appointments with my Dad and Spouse were rough.  I just listened and took notes.  I had now formal training on how to be an advocate and my upbringing was that the doctor was always right.  I learned from books, online research and asking other caregivers, how to be a better advocate.    I was beating myself up for weeks saying I was not cut out for this or frustrated afterwards, asking myself why I didn’t think of that question.   You learn from your mistake but most importantly you allow yourself to learn and grant yourself grace to make mistakes.  

Do you get frustrated with yourself when you don’t have the energy to do the things you used to do?  Maybe it’s a workout in the morning or tackling the laundry or running errands.   This was me for many months.  What’s your self-take?   Are you saying - what’s wrong with me?  Are you frustrated?  Are you angry at yourself or the situation or your loved one?    When you start getting down on yourself or lash out at the closed person you are around, take a step back and ask yourself - what and why.       

What:  can I just get a goodnight sleep and then I would have more energy?Why:   are you not getting a goodnight sleep?   (me?, loved one? )

What:   would give me a goodnight sleep? 

Maybe you are angry that you are running out of time to get everything done today?  You are stressing that you have laundry in the washer, dishes to do, an hour of work, medications to prep and you have to shower and can’t even sit down to relax.    You start those negative thought - why me, wish I could just get an hour to myself.   I get now help.  

It’s hard to get your brain to think differently - what have you done today already?  How can I shift this?  What would it take?    

I would need to take naps to recharge and then would beat myself up for not getting everything done.  It was a mad viscous circle.  

Who would have ever thought this caregiving life would be a time that tests your self-growth.  We all have a choice to let the negativity and bad thoughts be part of our decision making, conversations and actions we take each day   or…  We can learn to move to gratitude, positivity and optimistic thinking.    The results take a bit of work, but the rewards truly work.  

I, by all means, get into that bad space - I almost did yesterday in the grocery line when the checker closed her register and told me to go to another register.  But I took that breath in and said, wow and let it go.  I chose not to think negatively and wouldn’t let the stress and anger in.  

I am also learning to prioritize what I can do each day.   Who can help me out so that I can have some personal time.  

Ok…  I could go on and on with this topic.    This is a bit of what we discuss in the Caregiver Circle.  It’s ok to feel the negative thoughts or emotions.  But I don’t want these to consume you and turn you into the person you don’t want to be.  You deserve less stress and more joy in this new normal.  

I want to invite you to The Caregiver Cup Circle.  It’s a small group of women caregiver that get together twice per month and we chat for an hour.  What going well.  What’s not going well.  You are free to share your feelings and we all get it.  We support each other, lift each other up, and.   give each other feedback .   There has been some pretty amazing conversations and gratitudes.  

Check out the caregiver cup circle at https://www.cathylvan.com/caregivercircle

If you are interested in joining, go to Caregiver Cup Circle.   Also check out the testimonials .