The Nostalgic Caregiver: the qualities and impacts

 Do you find yourself saying:

• "Ah, the good old days" 
• "If only I could go back and relive those moments." 
• "I wish I could rewind the movie of my life and enjoy the way it was."  

Well friend, we're going to dive deep into this today and talk about the qualities and the impacts of being a Nostalgic.   If you haven’t taken our quiz called “What’s your Caregiver style?  Go to cathylvan.com/quiz

 I want to start out with a story from my past.   I lived in a middle class, blue collar home.  My dad worked in the automotive business and my mom clean houses.  They worked hard and took pride in the things they had.  They were always doing home improvement and working on the curb appeal of our home.  But one thing I really remember was the fun time.  When they weren’t working, they liked to play hard.    My Dad remodeled the basement in our ranch home with  indoor outdoor carpet in the basement.  Family room on one side.  Table in the middle to sit around and do crafts, play games.  Mom hung our family pictures and those uncomfortable grade school pictures.  Dad built his bar at the other end with bar stools, his stereo (8 track tapes).  This was his entertaining area where we played cards, had bottled pop and every so often Dad would pull out the video reel and we would sit and watch old movies of ourselves. 

Why am I telling you this?   Everyone of us has a bit of nostalgia in us and hopefully we all embrace those wonderful memories. 

The Nostalgic Caregiver looks at their Loved One remembering those special past experiences and memories.  You desire to return to an earlier time in life by wishing things were back the way they were.   

It was extremely hard to watch my Dad crinkle and crumble away due to pancreatic cancer.  He was my hero.  My strong and courage Dad and seeing him physically and mentally shut down, broke my heart.  

While few caregivers voice their sentiments for fear of how others will receive it.  I believe that most caregivers do have this fleeting thought at some point during their journey.  

You are a good person who has seen your life turned into more than you can handle sometimes.   You may feel sad, angry or lonely. 

Qualities of a Nostalgic Caregiver

Nostalgia has a tendency to be like a natural sedative.  With each memory it provides an escape and longing to go back to these past experiences and a desire to hold each moment close.  While nostalgia can provide a warm memory in occasional moments.  Repeated patterns can lead to not accepting your reality.  

Nostalgic Caregivers are: 

Reminiscers   You're missing your Loved One of the past.  You wish you could go back doing the things you did in the past.  But, they may not be physically and/or emotionally able to engage with you like they used to.  

I yearn for my husband of the past.  The one who could do the things of the past.   His cancer has played havoc on his joints, muscles and energy.   

Hopeful  You look at your Loved One and life and are hopeful that things will go back to normal.  You're convincing yourself that things can go back to normal when caregiving is done.  You may even be thinking that life will be the same again someday.  

Friend, I have to tell you, life will never go back to the way it was.  I think of my brother who was in a military accident.  PTSD and his head injury affected him physically and mentally.  I just kept thinking he just needed time to heal.  

Positive Thinkers  Many caregivers are saddled with the belief that staying continuously positive gives them the best chance things will change. You may refuse to entertain more negative thoughts as if they could be potentially harmful.  But positivity can shadow your vision of reality.  It may prevent you and your Loved One from taking necessary steps to face the challenges of caregiving squarely. 

Positivity is a great quality.  It keeps you from going to that bad place.   Find communities to support this.  But be aware that positivity can be a crutch.  It stunted and shut off my reality thinking.  

Triggered by sensory stimuli  Familiar music, smells, and other reminders of the past activate nostalgic feelings. It can also be elicited by conversations, and even by self-directed memory recollection.  Your sensory stimuli can improve your mood and lift your Loved One's spirit.   I love this one.  

When things are hard, I embrace this and find ways to escape with this for a bit.  

Story Tellers   You hold those special memories and thoughts close to your heart.  It makes you happy and joyous when you share these memories with your Loved One, family and friends.  You find yourself on occasion paging through photo albums and watching videos. 

As your loved one is suffering, you might find peace and joy in your memories and stories.  On those tough days, hold those stories close and it can provide you with your purpose or reason in life right now.  

What are the impacts of Nostalgia?

Nostalgia can be a good and a bad thing.  The good comes from those wonderful memories that keep you going and reinforces why you care so passionately for your Loved One.  But it can also be a bad thing because you spend more time yearning for those past days and not wanting to face reality.    Here are the impacts of Nostalgia: 

Depression: Feelings of sadness and depression set in when you look at your Loved One deteriorating condition or lack of progress realizing that you can't go back to the life you had.   Allow yourself time to feel sad about your new caregiving journey and your Loved One's condition. 

Frustration: Feelings of frustration and disappointment over not being able to enjoy your "old life".  You're adjusting schedules, social life and things that you enjoy to take care of your Loved One.  This change is not easy nor did you ask for it.  Once you acknowledge your new identity and normal, you can then begin to figure out and manage it.  

Loneliness: Caregiving responsibilities and your Loved One's condition limits your time to socialize with your family and friends   You find yourself sitting alone and missing your social life.  

Isolation and loneliness are common with caregivers.  If you don't interact with others, it can have impacts on your mental and physical health.

Grief:  This kind of loss and grief can hurt as much as what you feel when a Loved One dies.  It's real.  The loss of your Loved One even when they're still here.  You can't ignore those feelings of missing him/her.  You miss past experiences, conversations, activities, laughs and more. 

Denial: Denial is the first stage in the grieving process. New caregivers experience denial themselves while also needing to support their Loved One through it.  Caregiving is a labor-intensive mission and its responsibilities eventually take an unavoidable psychological and physical toll on even the most experienced caregivers. It’s imperative for you to care for your own needs before addressing the needs of others.

Delays in acceptance may happen especially if it was a sudden move to being a caregiver.  Allowing time to process the diagnosis or event is an important first step to adjust to this new normal.  The process of acceptance is just as important for you as it is for your Loved One. No two people deal with this in exactly the same way.

There is no right approach and some days may be more difficult than others, but don’t be discouraged. Worry Your life changed the day you became a caregiver.  Caregiving may now be putting a strain on your finances.  You may have had to take time off from work or your Loved One can no longer work.  You can't help but wish you could go back in time when the worry wasn't there.

Caregiver Stress:   It's important you recognize and watch for signs of Caregiver Overwhelm during this time of change and adjustment.  Some of the early signs are:  

• becoming irritated or angry feeling
• overwhelmed or constantly worried
• noticing health issues like high blood pressure, heart palpitations, headaches, body pain or more
• difficulty sleeping trouble concentrating It takes time to accept this new normal

When the phone rang and my Dad told me his scan results didn't look good, I was in disbelief.  Then two weeks later when the doctor told my Spouse that he had cancer, I became numb.   In September of 2017, I had to face reality that my life was changing.  But, I never did anything.  Sure I changed my work schedule and started taking on caregiving responsibilities.   Once the "dust" settled and the caregiving was part of my roles and responsibilities, I started feeling a roller coster of emotions.   These emotions made me feel guilty. I was missing my old life.  I missed going into work with the everyday issues. I missed my running, time with my friends and freedom.  It seemed like it was all gone.  

Once you accept your new normal, you can then move forward and take care of your emotions and most importantly embrace them.  It starts with:

• letting go of your guilty feelings and remember that you can have bad thoughts and still be a good caregiver.
• stepping outside of your perspective and separate your thoughts. 

This will reduce your anxiety and stress.  being open to not being perfect and learn what works for you.   knowing you'll figure it out and allow yourself time to adjust.   appreciating the joy in your new normal. getting help you need to adjust to your new normal.