Identify Your People Pleasing Tendencies

Identify Your People Pleasing Tendencies

Let me get real honest and raw with you today.  This podcast was hard to prepare for and it’s even harder to share.  This podcast is all about people pleasing.  Why you say - I am a people pleaser and I should really have my own club or group.  

Are you saying, Yes too.  Or are you saying No, I am not a people pleaser

Well, my friend, I have three quick statements before we begin.

• We all have people pleasing tendencies
• People pleasing isn’t all bad 
• But… people pleasing can lead to stress and burnout especially if you are a caregiver.  

Before we deep dive into this topic, I have something really excited to share with you! It’s a Quiz.  This one is very different.   It’s not one asking you what character you are or what color or animal you are…..  It’s truly about caregiving with very, very informative results.  It’s call What’s your Caregiver Style?  You can take this FREE quiz today by going to cathylvan.com or going to The Caregiver Cup on Facebook or @cathylynnvan on Instagram.  It takes less than 3 minutes and you will get very in-depth and informative results to help you think through your caregiver responsibilities.  

Let’s now dig into  People Pleasing.   

As a caregiver, Your Loved One is your top priority.   You open your heart, soul and energy to go beyond simple kindness to give to them everything they need and want.    

Pleasing might not sound all that bad.  After all, what’s wrong with loving and being nice to your Loved One and making them happy?  You do whatever it takes meaning you make sacrifices with little to no complaints.  

You go out of your way to do things for them based on what you assume they want and need.  You give up your time and energy.

The urge to please them can be rewarding to you, but also damaging to you.  The wants of your Love One are more important than your own needs as well as other relationships. 

Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them. 

In June 2016, Oprah Winfrey interviewed Michelle Obama at the US Women Summit 

One question Oprah asked (and I am paraphrasing)  Most women I interview say that the root of everything is dysfunction and I’ve encountered it too and it has to do with lacking a sense of self-value or self-worth.  We live in a world that encourages us to be liked whether it be through our actions, images or words.  And it’s a lot to live up to.  What can you share to help us stand more inside ourselves?

Michelle Obama responds (I am paraphrasing)  Always tell yourself, our first job in life as women, is to get to know ourselves.  And lot’s of times we don’t.  We spend our time pleasing, satisfying, looking out into the world to define who we are--listening to the messages, images and more out there.  We really need to get a real clear sense of who we are and be proud of that.  

Here are some tell tale signs of pleasing:

You have a low opinion of yourself

• Often deal with low self-esteem and look for approval from others
• Believe you're not worthy of love if you give everything to someone else
• Believe your people only care about you when you’re useful
• Need praise and attention to feel good about yourself

What about those statements of….  "Your spouse is lucky to have you" or "I don’t know what I would do without you."   They feed the people-pleasing tendency

You need others to like you

• Spend a lot of time worrying about rejection.  These worries often lead to specific actions designed to keep people happy so they don’t reject you 
• Strong desire to be needed
• Believe you have a better chance of receiving affection from people who need you  

Example:   While it’s important to impress your boss and show you can by being agreeable, it will soon back fire.  

While it’s kind and generous to be the first to volunteer and help, it will burn you out.

Rachel Hollis - author of girl wash your face says   “Someone else opinion of you in none of YOUR business”    Stop worrying about it.  Stop thinking about it.  Stop letting their opinion shape your perception. 

Please pleasers:

Find it hard to say no

• Worry that telling someone no or turning down a request for help means your don’t care
• Agreeing to do what they want seems safer even if you don’t actually have time
• Agree to do something even when you’d rather not 
• Ignore your boundaries
• Others may take advantage of you and your time 

Tell me - in your caregiver role - have other family members or friends or your Loved One taken advantage of you or your time?     Yes,  they assume you will do it, jump at it or drop everything.  Why is that?  If you keep doing this, they see that as OK.  

Saying NO is ok….   But how do you feel when you say no.  Do you feel guilt, worry or down right terrible?   If that's you - you have

Hey, Cathy here…    It’s Episode 21 of The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Let me get real honest and raw with you today.  This podcast was hard to prepare for and it’s even harder to share.  This podcast is all about people pleasing.  Why you say - I am a people pleaser and I should really have my own club or group.  

Are you saying, Yes too that’s me.  Or are you saying No, I am not a people pleaser

Well, my friend, I have three quick statements before we begin.

• We all have people pleasing tendencies
• People pleasing isn’t all bad 
• But… people pleasing can lead to stress and burnout especially if you are a caregiver.  

 Before we deep dive into this topic, I have something really excited to share with you!!!!   It’s a Quiz.   This one is very different.   It’s not one asking you what character you are or what color or animal you are…..  It’s truly about caregiving with very, very informative results.  It’s called What’s your Caregiver Style?   You can take this FREE quiz today by going to cathylvan.com or going to The Caregiver Cup on Facebook or @cathylynnvan on Instagram.  It takes less than 3 minutes and you will get very in-depth and informative results to help you think through your caregiver responsibilities.  

Let’s now dig into  People Pleasing.   

As a caregiver, Your Loved One is your top priority.   You open your heart, soul and energy to go beyond simple kindness to give to them everything they need and want.    

Pleasing might not sound all that bad.  After all, what’s wrong with loving and being nice to your Loved One and making them happy?  You do whatever it takes meaning you make sacrifices with little to no complaints.  

You go out of your way to do things for them based on what you assume they want and need.  You give up your time and energy.

The urge to please them can be rewarding to you, but also damaging to you.  The wants of your Love One are more important than your own needs as well as other relationships. 

Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favor, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them. 

In June 2016, Oprah Winfrey interviewed Michelle Obama at the US Women Summit 

One question Oprah asked (and I am paraphrasing)  Most women I interview say that the root of everything is dysfunction and I’ve encountered it too and it has to do with lacking a sense of self-value or self-worth.  We live in a world that encourages us to be liked whether it be through our actions, images or words.  And it’s a lot to live up to.  What can you share to help us stand more inside ourselves?

Michelle Obama responds (I am paraphrasing)  Always tell yourself, our first job in life as women, is to get to know ourselves.  And lot’s of times we don’t.  We spend our time pleasing, satisfying, looking out into the world to define who we are--listening to the messages, images and more out there.  We really need to get a real clear sense of who we are and be proud of that.  

Here are some tell tale signs of pleasing:

You have a low opinion of yourself

• Often deal with low self-esteem and look for approval from others
• Believe you're not worthy of love if you give everything to someone else
• Believe your people only care about you when you’re useful
• Need praise and attention to feel good about yourself

What about those statements of….  Your spouse is lucky to have you or I don’t know what I would do without you.   They feed the pp tendency

You need others to like you

• Spend a lot of time worrying about rejection.  These worries often lead to specific actions designed to keep people happy so they don’t reject you 
• Strong desire to be needed
• Believe you have a better chance of receiving affection from people who need you  

Examples 

While it’s important to impress your boss and show you can by being agreeable, it will soon back fire.  

While it’s kind and generous to be the first to volunteer and help, it will burn you out.

Rachel Hollis - author of girl wash your face says   “Someone else opinion of you in none of YOUR business”    Stop worrying about it.  Stop thinking about it.  Stop letting their opinion shape your perception. 

Please pleasers: 

Find it hard to say no

• Worry that telling someone no or turning down a request for help means your don’t care
• Agreeing to do what they want seems safer even if you don’t actually have time
• Agree to do something even when you’d rather not 
• Ignore your boundaries
• Others may take advantage of you and your time 

Tell me - in your caregiver role - have other family members or friends or your Loved One taken advantage of you or your time?     Yes,  they assume you will do it, jump at it or drop everything.  Why is that?  If you keep doing this, they see that as OK.  

Saying NO is ok….   But how do you feel when you say no.  Do you feel guilt, worry or down right terrible?   If that's you - you have pp tendencies.  

Start out by saying no to small things and start training your brain and ridding your guilt.  Every step you take will build you inner confidence and give you mental strength

Here’s another trait

You apologize or accept fault  when you aren’t to blame

• Always ready with “I’m sorry” when something goes wrong
• Take on blame, even when it’s nothing to do with them

Let’s say you get to the doctor on time and are waiting.  You Love One is very irritated by the wait.  You finally see the doctor and your Loved One is not nice to the nurses and doctor.  You apologize for them and tell them they are just having a bad day.  

Another tell tale way you are a pleaser is….

You’re quick to agree, even when you don’t really agree

• Agreeability often seems a surefire way of approval
• Go along with something you don’t agree with, just to keep everyone happy
• Don't speak up but end up with bottled up frustrations later
• Belief that you’re doing everyone a disservice by not speaking up

Your brother walks and Mom has the TV blasting and it’s 80 degrees.   Your brother turns down the TV and heat and gets into an argument with Mom.  You don’t speak up and keep everything to yourself fearing your anger, opinions and input will lead to a bigger issue.  

You can be a people pleaser if…..

You struggle with authenticity

• Hard time recognizing how their Loved One really feels
• Continue to push your own needs to the side
• Eventually, you might not even feel sure about what you want or how to be true to yourself
• You also may not be able to voice the feelings you're aware of, even when you want to speak up 

People Pleasers are usually:

You’re a giver

• Give with a goal of being liked
• Like giving
• Making sacrifices might feed your sense of self (ie: martyr)
• You might give and give, hoping people will reciprocate with their affection and love you desire

What happens when you give, give and give first of all?  Burnout, Fatigue and more.  Then doing it for approval and affection?

This is me!!!!

I tend to ask myself, why am I a Pleaser.  Is it because I'm the oldest child?  Because of my religion?  Because I'm a woman? Maybe from my career experiences?  My realization is that I'm really, really good at it!  I love making people happy.  You? 

Just a couple more here…..

You don’t have any free time

• Simply busy doesn’t mean you're a Pleaser but look at how you spend your time
• Do you have time for hobbies and relaxation?  
• After taking care of work, home responsibilities and caregiving, what’s left?  
• Try to pinpoint the last time you did something for yourself  

As a coach, I can ask these questions of you and narrow People Pleasing tendencies down for you.   When I over please, I start feeling ill from doing it both mentally and physically.  

Here’s the last one…. Is this you?  

Argument and conflicts upset you

• Tend to fear anger
• Anger means “I am not happy”
• Goal is to keep everyone happy and if there’s anger, you’ve failed at pleasing them
• To avoid anger, you might rush to apologize or do whatever you think will make them happy, even when they’re not angry at you 

I work on this one a lot.  I want everyone to be happy.  I feel horrible when things are not that way.  I had to learn how to release this and not own this.  

What happens when you let People Pleasing control you

What are the affects of pleasing?  

Pleasing isn’t inherently negative.  Part of having relationships with others involves taking their wants, needs, and feelings into account.  These tendencies can often come from a place of concern or affection.  

Trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings.   In a way, you’re putting on an act.  You’re doing what you think people want so they like you.   You might only pretend to enjoy helping, since this is part of keeping your Loved One happy.  

This isn’t exactly honest, and eventually people-pleasing can hurt you and your relationships.  

You feel frustrated and resentful

If you're spending all your time doing things for your Loved One, they might recognize and appreciate your sacrifices. But they might not.

Over time, they might take advantage of you, even if that’s not their intention.  They also may not realize you’re making sacrifices for them. 

In either case, being nice with ulterior motives can eventually cause frustration and resentment.  This often bubbles up as a passive-aggressive behavior, which can confuse or even upset your Loved One and other family and friends who genuinely don’t understand what’s happening.  

People take advantage of you

Some people will quickly recognize and take advantage of pleasing tendencies.  But they do know you’ll agree to whatever they ask, so they keep on asking.  And you keep saying yes, because that makes them happy.  

But this can lead to serious consequences.  Here’s just a few consequences I thought of:  missing work, other relationships suffer, and your physical and mental well-being. 

Your relationships don’t satisfy you

Healthy, strong relationships are balanced and involve a give and take.  You do nice things for your Loved Ones, and they do the same to you.  

You probably won’t have very fulfilling relationships when people like you only because you do nice things for the.  

When all you do is give of yourself as the person you think others want you to be, you’re not showing up in the relationship as yourself.  It’s difficult to maintain that type of relationship. 

Stress and burnout

One huge impact of people-pleasing is increased stress.  This can happen easily when you take on more than you can handle.

You don’t just lose out on time for yourself.  You also find yourself with less time for things you really need to do.  To get the essentials taken care of, you might end up working longer hours or going without sleep, eventually leading to your own health issues.  

Partners and friends become frustrated with you

Your partner might notice the way you agree with everyone or wonder why you apologize for things you didn’t do.  It’s easy to fall into the habit of helping others at the expense of putting time and energy into a relationship. Pleasing can be a backfire when you do so much for others that you take away time with your friends and family.  

Loved ones may also get upset when you lie or tell a modified version of the truth in order to spare their feelings.

If you feel you are a people pleaser, it’s important to first acknowledge all your tendencies, start working on little things at a time and set healthy boundaries.  

Before we conclude this episode, I want to remind you to take my “What your Caregiver Style?" Quiz.   It’s free.   This one is very different.   It’s not one asking you what character you are or what color or animal you are…..  It’s truly about caregiving with very, very informative results.    You can take this FREE quiz today by going to cathylvan.com or going to The Caregiver Cup on Facebook or @cathylynnvan on Instagram.  It takes less than 3 minutes and you will get very in-depth and informative results to help you think through your caregiver responsibilities.  I will have the link in the show notes.  

Thank you for listening and as always, think about how you are filling your cup today and find just a weee bit of time to fill it with something for you.  Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.  

tendencies.  

Start out by saying no to small things and start training your brain and ridding your guilt.  Every step you take will build you inner confidence and give you mental strength

Here’s another trait

You apologize or accept fault  when you aren’t to blame

• Always ready with “I’m sorry” when something goes wrong
• Take on blame, even when it’s nothing to do with them

Let’s say you get to the doctor on time and are waiting.  You Loved One is very irritated by the wait.  You finally see the doctor and your Loved One is not nice to the nurses and dr.  You apologize for them and tell them they are just having a bad day.  

Another tell tale way you are a pleaser is….

You’re quick to agree, even when you don’t really agree

• Agreeability often seems a surefire way of approval
• Go along with something you don’t agree with, just to keep everyone happy
• Don't speak up but end up with bottled up frustrations later
• Belief that you’re doing everyone a disservice by not speaking up

Your brother walks and Mom has the TV blasting and it’s 80 degrees.   Your brother turns down the TV and heat and gets into an argument with Mom.  You don’t speak up and keep everything to yourself fearing your anger, opinions and input will lead to a bigger issue.  

 You can be a People Pleaser if…..

You struggle with authenticity

• Hard time recognizing how their Loved One really feels
• Continue to push your own needs to the side
• Eventually, you might not even feel sure about what you want or how to be true to yourself
• You also may not be able to voice the feelings you're aware of, even when you want to speak up 

People Pleasers are usually…...

You’re a giver

• Give with a goal of being liked
• Like giving
• Making sacrifices might feed your sense of self (ie: martyr)
• You might give and give, hoping people will reciprocate with their affection and love you desire

What happens when you give, give and give first of all?  Burnout, Fatigue and more.  Then doing it for approval and affection?

This is me!!!!

I tend to ask myself, why am I a Pleaser.  Is it because I'm the oldest child?  Because of my religion?  Because I'm a woman? Maybe from my career experiences?  My realization is that I'm really, really good at it!  I love making people happy.  You? 

Just a couple more here…..

You don’t have any free time

• Simply busy doesn’t mean you're a Pleaser but look at how you spend your time
• Do you have time for hobbies and relaxation?  
• After taking care of work, home responsibilities and caregiving, what’s left?  
• Try to pinpoint the last time you did something for yourself  

As a coach, I can ask these questions of you and narrow PPing tendencies down for you.   When I over please, I start feeling ill from doing it both mentally and physically.  

Here’s the last one…. Is this you?  

Argument and conflicts upset you

• Tend to fear anger
• Anger means “I am not happy”
• Goal is to keep everyone happy and if there’s anger, you’ve failed at pleasing them
• To avoid anger, you might rush to apologize or do whatever you think will make them happy, even when they’re not angry at you 

I work on this one alot.  I want everyone to be happy.  I feel horrible when things are not that way.    I had to learn how to release this and not own this.  

What happens when you let People Pleasing controls you?

What are the affects of pleasing?  

Pleasing isn’t inherently negative.  Part of having relationships with others involves taking their wants, needs, and feelings into account.  These tendencies can often come from a place of concern or affection.  

Trying to earn the regard of others usually means you neglect your own needs and feelings.   In a way, you’re putting on an act.  You’re doing what you think people want so they like you.   You might only pretend to enjoy helping, since this is part of keeping your Loved One happy.  

This isn’t exactly honest, and eventually people-pleasing can hurt you and your relationships.  

You feel frustrated and resentful

If you're spending all your time doing things for your Loved One, they might recognize and appreciate your sacrifices. But they might not.

Over time, they might take advantage of you, even if that’s not their intention.  They also may not realize you’re making sacrifices for them. 

In either case, being nice with ulterior motives can eventually cause frustration and resentment.  This often bubbles up as a passive-aggressive behavior, which can confuse or even upset your Loved One and other family and friends who genuinely don’t understand what’s happening.  

People take advantage of you

Some people will quickly recognize and take advantage of pleasing tendencies.  But they do know you’ll agree to whatever they ask, so they keep on asking.  And you keep saying yes, because that makes them happy.  

But this can lead to serious consequences.  Here’s just a few consequences I thought of:  missing work, other relationships suffer, and your physical and mental well-being. 

Your relationships don’t satisfy you

Healthy, strong relationships are balanced and involve a give and take.  You do nice things for your Loved Ones, and they do the same to you.  

You probably won’t have very fulfilling relationships when people like you only because you do nice things for the.  

When all you do is give of yourself as the person you think others want you to be, you’re not showing up in the relationship as yourself.  It’s difficult to maintain that type of relationship. 

Stress and burnout

One huge impact of people-pleasing is increased stress.  This can happen easily when you take on more than you can handle.

You don’t just lose out on time for yourself.  You also find yourself with less time for things you really need to do.  To get the essentials taken care of, you might end up working longer hours or going without sleep, eventually leading to your own health issues.  

Partners and friends become frustrated with you

Your partner might notice the way you agree with everyone or wonder why you apologize for things you didn’t do.  It’s easy to fall into the habit of helping others at the expense of putting time and energy into a relationship. Pleasing can be a backfire when you do so much for others that you take away time with your friends and family.  

Loved ones may also get upset when you lie or tell a modified version of the truth in order to spare their feelings.

If you feel you are a people pleaser, it’s important to first acknowledge all your tendencies, start working on little things at a time and set healthy boundaries.  

Before we conclude this episode, I want to remind you to take my “What your Caregiver Style Quiz.    It’s free..   This one is very different.   It’s not one asking you what character you are or what color or animal you are…..  It’s truly about caregiving with very, very informative results.    You can take this FREE quiz today by going to cathylvan.com or going to The Caregiver Cup on Facebook or @cathylynnvan on Instagram.  It takes less than 3 minutes and you will get very indepth and informative results to help you think through your caregiver responsibilities.  I will have the link in the show notes.  

Thank you for listening and as always, think about how you are filling your cup today and find just a weee bit of time to fill it with something for you.  Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup.