E41 Caregiver Guilt - Why Do I Feel It?

Caregivers often carry around undeserved guilt, believing that they aren’t doing enough for their loved ones. This guilt can make the caregiving role even more stressful than it already is. One might ask why a caregiver feels guilty when they’re doing such a courageous job.

Guilt is the feeling we have when we do something wrong. 

Guilt in caring for our loved one comes in many forms.  And sometimes caregivers feel guilty about thinking of their own needs and see that as selfish, especially if they go to a movie or out to lunch with a friend.You may believe that your own needs are insignificant.  

So ask yourself:   Why do I feel guilty?  

• Is it Shame?  
• Is it Control?  
• Do you feel like you failed?
• What other people will think?  

Why does needing to ask for help lead to caregiver guilt?

• We're afraid someone will see us as weak. Actually, it takes a pretty strong person to ask for help when they need it.
• We feel that the responsibility is ours alone. By admitting that we can’t do it all, it may feel as if we are not living up to our duties or not giving our loved one the care they deserve.
• We are afraid people will judge us. As easy as this is to say, it is equally hard to do: don’t let someone else’s opinion of you dictate your actions. Your health and well-being is more important than what someone else thinks about you.
• We are afraid of not being taken seriously.  Call a spade a spade—if you feel you are not being taken seriously, say so. If you are talking to a health provider, it’s their responsibility to hear your concerns with an open ear. Speak up, and if you don’t get the response you need, look for help somewhere else.
• We are afraid of being treated with disrespect. If someone talks down to you or treats you dismissively, you don’t have to take it. You have the right to be heard and respected.

So let’s flip here and move from why to what can you gain from getting past caregiver guilt and asking for help.

• A better relationship with the one you care for.   Having someone else with whom to shoulder the tasks of caring can give both of you the freedom to spend time together in enjoyable activities.  Listen to episode 40 and realize the importance of respite care for you.  
• Reduce Caregiver Stress and Burnout .  You are good to no one if you are so burnout that you are not happy.  You are not finding joy in daily life.   It’s OK to ask for help if you are the one caring for a loved one. What you do is a labor of love. Feelings of love, duty, and commitment drive your intentions. That doesn’t mean that you have to do it all yourself. You are not weak or irresponsible when you ask for help. What you are doing is taking care of yourself so that you can also be the best caregiver you can be.  Get the 3 Stage of Caregiver Overwhelm and know where your caregiver stress is at.

We tend to hold ourselves to unreasonable standards like being able to do everything without help, having a solution for every problem, always making the “right” decision, never getting upset or frustrated, and more.