E226: Empowering Caregivers with Boundary Setting

When Was the Last Time You Considered Your Needs?

If you can’t remember the last time you slept properly, ate adequately, exercised regularly, or didn’t feel guilty about taking a sick day, it’s likely that caregiving is taking a toll on your mental and physical health. It's time to ask yourself: “What can I do to replenish myself?” and “Is there a small action that could improve my life or make me feel more content with my present state?”

If you’re treating yourself fairly, the answer should be yes. Every caregiver has needs that could be better fulfilled. You are still a human being, and the emotional and physical demands placed on you can add up quickly. It’s never selfish to preserve or recover your well-being. In fact, caregivers can only give quality care when they are intimately familiar with their own needs and limitations.

Setting and Maintaining Your Boundaries

Building healthy boundaries is one of the most important steps you can take to improve your well-being and lay a foundation for positive self-care habits. Setting boundaries is a logical response to unmet needs, excessive demands, or unsustainable patterns in your life. Neither distress nor guilt will help your situation, so let’s dismantle both and talk about boundaries—step by step.

Identify Your Limits

Start by considering what you can tolerate and accept, and what makes you feel uncomfortable or stressed. This includes your physical, emotional, and mental limits. To get a clear picture, you might track your week, noting the times when you feel stressed, unhappy, or simply not yourself. Just like a car needs regular maintenance, so do you. Recognizing when you're running on empty is the first step toward reclaiming your well-being.

For example, think of your favorite pair of jeans. When they get a hole, you might have to say goodbye and find a new favorite pair. The same goes for your habits and routines—sometimes you need to let go of what no longer serves you and establish new boundaries according to your current needs.

Set Boundaries According to Your Season of Life

What will help you feel better in daily life? You might start by making a list of healthy habits, a manageable schedule, or a tangible goal to work toward. Ask yourself, “What looks better right now? What feels better right now?”

In order to move toward a healthier, more sustainable caregiving life, you'll need to set boundaries to manage your stress, health, and overall well-being. This involves honest communication with yourself, your loved one, and your family.

I remember how challenging it was to set boundaries when caring for my mom. At first, I did it all wrong. But when I tracked a week in my life, I couldn’t believe I was still standing. I realized I was working four jobs: my full-time job, my business, caregiving for my mom, and managing the household. No wonder I was exhausted!

The Reality of Caregiving

According to Healthline (July 2023), household activities alone take caregivers an average of 85 hours a month. Helping your loved one with self-care and mobility can take an average of 253 hours each month—equivalent to two full-time jobs. Maintaining your own health and making time for yourself can be difficult when you're a family caregiver, but it's crucial to avoiding burnout. When your needs are met, you can be at your best for the ones you love.

Why Boundaries Matter

Now that you recognize the need for setting boundaries, think about why you need them and what they can do for you. There are four types of boundaries—physical, time, energy, and ability—that are crucial for caregivers. Identifying and setting these boundaries will help you maintain your well-being while allowing you to provide the best possible care for your loved one.

• Physical Boundaries: Define your personal space and how you want to be treated. For example, if you need to avoid overnight stays to maintain your routine, this boundary helps you manage your caregiving responsibilities effectively.

• Time Boundaries: Carve out time for yourself. By setting aside time for rest, sleep, exercise, and social activities, you prevent burnout and maintain a balanced life.

• Energy Boundaries: Recognize your limits regarding how much time and energy you can devote to caregiving. Be clear about what you can manage to avoid overcommitting.

• Ability Boundaries: Acknowledge and communicate your limits when it comes to the tasks you can handle. Saying no to requests that exceed your capabilities helps prevent frustration and ensures that you’re providing care in areas where you are effective and comfortable.

Overall, setting these boundaries helps you maintain a healthier balance, prevents burnout, and enhances your ability to care for your loved one with compassion and effectiveness.that exceed your capabilities helps prevent frustration and ensures that you’re providing care in areas where you are effective and comfortable.

You’ll need to set boundaries to maintain your well-being

• adequate rest
• enough sleep
• exercise
• nourishing food
• social support
• personal care

If you don’t meet these for yourself, your health can be negatively impacted, and after a while, you may not be able to provide the level of care your loved one needs.

It may help to set aside blocks of time in your caregiving schedule just for you.

Once you’ve clearly defined the blocks of time you need for yourself, tell the person you’re caring for, other family members, doctors, and other people in your life that you won’t be available during those times.

You’ll also need to insist on maintaining your boundaries when something or someone challenges them.

Kind, assertive language can help you stick to your limits in a way you can feel good about.

Try using “I” statements, like: “I need some personal time, and I won’t be taking you to the appointment tomorrow, but someone else will be here to help.”

NOw I know what will happen - guilt.

No matter how much you do for your loved one, it can be hard to let go of the feeling that you could be doing more. And taking care of your own needs — like going out for coffee with a friend — can feel selfish.

Other thoughts on setting boundaries.  Take up a hobby

A hobby — whether old or new — can bring you a sense of personal fulfillment outside of your job as a caregiver. No matter what the activity, it can be a rewarding challenge.

And when it comes to boundaries, a hobby that happens at a set time — like a weekly pottery class — can help motivate you to set aside a designated block of time just for you.

3. Take up a hobby:  A hobby — whether old or new — can bring you a sense of personal fulfillment outside of your job as a caregiver. No matter what the activity, it can be a rewarding challenge.

And when it comes to boundaries, a hobby that happens at a set time — like a weekly pottery class — can help motivate you to set aside a designated block of time just for you.

Set a schedule (including breaks):  Setting your caregiving hours and breaks on a calendar for all to see helps set everyone’s expectations about when you will and won’t be available.

Having your breaks in writing will help you stick to the plan.

Encourage your loved one’s independence:  As a caregiver, you’re essential for helping your loved one with tasks they can no longer do themselves.

But they may still be capable of doing many things independently, which can help them feel a sense of dignity, control, and enjoyment.

Before you jump in to assist, ask yourself: “Do they really need me?” Give them space to do things independently unless you observe that they need help.

Having them perform some everyday tasks can give you more freedom to take time for yourself.

Assistive technologies can help them be more independent, too. These may include:

• shower seats and grab bars
• toilet raisers
• jar openers
• reaching tools
• pill organizers and medication alarms
• canes and walkers
• voice-to-text features on their mobile or tablet
• intercom systems

Plan for your absence:  What kinds of unpredictable events might happen? How could they be managed when you’re not there?

It can be easy to fall into a routine of canceling your plans or not making them because your loved one has unexpected needs.

Think ahead about what you can do now to ensure your loved one is cared for when you aren’t there.

Here are some ideas:

• Plan to order groceries or have pharmacy items delivered when you don’t have time to shop for them. You can download an ordering app and have it ready to go when you need it.
• Connect with ride services to help get your loved one to their appointments.
• Have one or two meal options on hand for your loved one when you aren’t available to cook. You might stock their freezer with prepared meals, order their favorite takeout, or ask another loved one to help cook for them.
• Connect with one or two other people who can fill in for you as needed. They could be family members or a caregiver service. Train them ahead of time to give specialized medical care your loved one might need, such as injections.
• Set up a personal emergency response system so your loved one can call for help in an emergency.

Having backup plans like these can help you leave when you’ve planned to.

Maintaining boundaries is a must.

The care you give to yourself is the care you give to your loved one.  Caregivers deserve to exercise, sleep right, have hobbies, and enjoy their lives. They time to reach out to their community, family and friends, or supportive peers. Boundaries can support the needs caregivers deserve to meet.

Boundaries are meant to protect you and the person you care for, to preserve your caregiving relationship, and to create a more functional partnership. By showing the courage to value your own needs, you enhance the quality of care you provide.

All caregivers experience the emotions of stress, frustration, and anger, so no feeling you have is invalid. One way to honor these valid feelings is to set boundaries. It’s not productive for anyone to deny your undeniable needs.

Let me end with this quote…. From Christine Morgan

"Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn't make me mean, selfish, or uncaring just because I don't do things your way. I care about me, too."