E224: Understanding and Overcoming Caregiver Resentment and Anger

Yep, it happened again.

This past week has been a struggle. Just when I think I have it all figured out… Bam. I’m reminded that it’s an ongoing work-in-progress.

Denis, my spouse, got that nasty SARS-CoV-2 Omicron variant. He was struggling on Thursday, thinking it was a bad cold, but on Friday, he took an at-home COVID test and it was positive. After calling the doctor, they got him on Paxlovid. It hit him really bad with nasty coughing, chest congestion, fever, and fatigue. The meds seem to be working, or at least he’s not getting worse.

As I’m trying to stay away from him and we are both quarantining, it’s giving me more time to think about when I was hospitalized for a week with COVID back in 2021. I couldn’t even pick up the phone to talk, and when I did, I couldn’t focus for more than a couple of minutes. I would try to FaceTime my mom, and she would get so mad at me for not wanting to talk.

That’s where the ongoing work-in-progress statement begins.

My negative side of my brain is revisiting how angry I was, and still to this day, resentment visits.

So today, my friend, we’re going to talk about anger, resentment, and all the other feelings that come along with these emotions.

Understanding and Addressing Caregiver Anger and Resentment

DISCLAIMER: I loved my mom, and she was mostly a wonderful person, but there were bouts of narcissistic behaviors and selfishness.

I had COVID so bad that I was in a decompression room, and I could barely open my eyes due to extreme headaches, fatigue, and nausea. I would try to check in with my spouse and mom to see how they were doing and trying to be a caregiver when I was sick.

One FaceTime check-in, she drilled me on when I was going to get better and start taking care of her—who was going to do the bills and run errands for her.

To be honest, I didn’t know if I was going to get out of the hospital in the first few days. Then, when I did get discharged, I was still recovering and not well.

Instead of recovering, I was becoming more and more resentful. And it sat with me for months, and still to this day, it comes back as trauma.

However, there was a blessing in this tough challenge. I had to understand my mom’s behaviors and deal with my anger, resentment, guilt, frustration, and stress of it all.

Understanding My Mom’s Behaviors Was My Turning Point

Anger and resentment can bubble up for caregivers from their loved one's behaviors due to several key factors:

• Unrealistic Expectations: Caregivers often set high expectations for themselves, expecting to manage everything perfectly. When loved ones make demands or have high expectations, it can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and frustration, leading to anger and resentment.
• Lack of Control: Many situations in caregiving are beyond the caregiver's control, such as a loved one's deteriorating health or challenging behaviors. This lack of control can make caregivers feel helpless and angry​.
• Emotional Strain: Caregiving is emotionally taxing. Loved ones' constant demands and questions can feel overwhelming, especially when caregivers are already stretched thin. This emotional burden often leads to feelings of anger and resentment​.
• Unmet Needs and Lack of Support: Caregivers may feel unsupported by other family members or friends, leading to feelings of isolation and resentment. The lack of appreciation for their efforts can also contribute to these emotions​.
• Role Reversal and Guilt: Caring for a parent or spouse can involve a difficult role reversal, which can be hard to adjust to. Additionally, caregivers often feel guilty for taking time for themselves or for not being able to do everything perfectly, further fueling resentment​.

Understanding these root causes can help caregivers recognize that their feelings are normal and valid. Addressing these emotions through self-compassion, seeking support, and setting realistic expectations can mitigate the impact of anger and resentment on their well-being and caregiving duties.

Fast Forward to Recovery

In the months following my hospitalization, I had to learn how to address that resentment within, understand it, and figure out ways to release it. You can’t change your loved one, but you can change yourself.

For me, resentment looked like:

• Anger at the silliest things (driving, someone speaking at a meeting for work, and rolling my eyes behind my mom and spouse’s back)
• Exhaustion and checked out. Everything was hard, and I didn’t want to do anything or be with anyone.

Research on Resentment in Caregivers

Resentment in caregivers can manifest in various ways, often resulting from the cumulative stress and emotional burden of caregiving. Here are some common signs and symptoms:

Emotional Signs:

• Chronic Anger and Irritability:
• Caregivers may frequently feel angry or irritable towards their loved ones, other family members, or even themselves. This anger can be a response to constant demands and lack of appreciation​ (Always Best Care Senior Services)​​ (AgingCare)​.
• Guilt:
• Guilt often accompanies resentment, with caregivers feeling bad about their negative emotions or perceived inadequacies in their caregiving role. This guilt can further exacerbate feelings of resentment​ (DailyCaring)​.
• Emotional Exhaustion:
• Constant emotional strain can lead to burnout, where caregivers feel emotionally drained and unable to cope with daily responsibilities. This can manifest as feelings of detachment or indifference towards their loved ones​ (AgingCare)​.
• Bitterness:
• Caregivers may develop a pervasive sense of bitterness, feeling that their sacrifices are unrecognized or unappreciated. This can lead to a general sense of negativity about their situation and life in general​ (DailyCaring)​.

Physical Signs:

• Chronic Fatigue:
• The emotional toll of caregiving can result in physical exhaustion, where caregivers feel perpetually tired despite getting adequate rest​ (AgingCare)​.
• Stress-Related Health Issues:
• Prolonged stress can lead to various health problems, such as headaches, digestive issues, or sleep disturbances. These physical symptoms can further contribute to feelings of resentment as caregivers struggle to maintain their own health while caring for another​ (DailyCaring)​.

Behavioral Signs:

• Withdrawal:
• Caregivers might withdraw from social activities or relationships, feeling that they have neither the time nor the energy to engage with others. This isolation can worsen feelings of resentment and loneliness​ (DailyCaring)​.
• Neglecting Self-Care:
• Due to the constant demands of caregiving, caregivers often neglect their own needs and self-care routines. This neglect can lead to further physical and emotional deterioration, reinforcing feelings of resentment​ (AgingCare)​.
• Overreacting to Minor Issues:
• Caregivers dealing with underlying resentment may find themselves overreacting to small issues or frustrations. This is often a sign that their emotional reserves are depleted, and they are struggling to manage their stress​ (AgingCare)​.

Cognitive Signs:

• Negative Thinking:
• Persistent negative thoughts about their caregiving role, their loved ones, or their own abilities can dominate a caregiver’s mindset. This negative thinking can perpetuate feelings of resentment and hopelessness​ (Always Best Care Senior Services)​​ (AgingCare)​.
• Loss of Interest:
• Caregivers may lose interest in activities they once enjoyed or feel a lack of motivation to pursue personal goals. This apathy is often a result of prolonged emotional and physical strain​ (DailyCaring)​.

Understanding these signs can help caregivers recognize when they are experiencing resentment and take steps to address it. Seeking support, whether through counseling, support groups, or respite care, can be crucial in managing these feelings and maintaining both personal well-being and the quality of care they provide.

When you spend time understanding and acknowledging your anger, resentment, and all the feelings and behaviors associated with them, you can start shifting and managing them. I asked myself, 'What if I continue to let this resentment build?' I didn’t want this to affect my relationships, health, and my ability to be the best caregiver I could be.

I remember sobbing about the whole situation, but most importantly, how my brain wanted me to stay in that dark state. Finally, I said, 'No, no. I need to figure this out and move forward. I want joy, happiness, and overall love for myself.'

That’s where I created the PEACE framework and personal toolkit to conquer anger, resentment, guilt, shame, and frustration. And guess what, my friend? You can too!

I created 'Conquering Resentment,' a digital, self-paced, one-hour masterclass 

specifically designed to help caregivers manage their anger effectively. In this masterclass, you’ll gain tools to navigate emotional challenges, achieve more peace and joy, and improve your overall well-being.

In this course,  I delve into the journey of understanding and managing these powerful emotions. Together, we can transform your caregiving experience and bring more joy into your life.

Benefits of the Conquering Resentment Masterclass:

• Gain practical tools to handle emotional challenges.
• Achieve a sense of peace and joy.
• Improve your overall well-being.
• Navigate your caregiving journey with more resilience and positivity.

Don’t miss out on this transformative opportunity. Enroll now and start your journey towards a happier, healthier you!"  Go to the link in the show notes or go to cathylvan.com/resentment and check it out.