E221: Stop Settling: How to Shift Your Mindset and Reclaim Joy in Caregiving

In today’s episode of The Caregiver Cup Podcast, we’re tackling a tough but crucial topic: the spiral of making excuses, blaming, shaming, and settling that many caregivers find themselves in. These feelings and thoughts can cloud our view, mindset, and overall joy in caregiving. Let's dive into this spiral and discover how to break free.

The Reality of Caregiving Excuses

Caregivers often say things like:

• "My culture expects the children to care for the parents."
• "As a wife, that’s what we do—take care of our spouse."
• "My religion won’t let me bring in anyone for help."
• "There is no one else to help."
• "We can’t afford help."
• "My parents don’t want to be in a home, and I promised Dad I would take care of Mom."

These are true and real challenges, but they can also keep us feeling stuck. Let's explore how we can find choices within seemingly unchangeable situations.

Personal Story: Recognizing the Spiral

One Sunday, after a full day with my mom, I came home exhausted, angry, and frustrated. I sat on the couch next to my spouse and said, "I can’t do this anymore." My spouse asked, "What can’t you do anymore?" Feeling defensive, I replied, "There is no one else." He said, "I think you can change things," but I was so close-minded that I couldn’t see any opportunities.

This reminded me of my early corporate career. After two rejections for leadership roles, I didn’t apply for over a year. I made excuses like "I’m not qualified," blamed others, shamed myself for not being smart enough, and settled for less than I wanted.

We do the same in caregiving. Here’s how it breaks down:

Making Excuses

• "I can’t do this anymore because there is no one else who can take care of Mom."
• "I promised Dad that I would take care of Mom, so I have no other choice."

Blaming

• "There’s no one else to help, so I have to do it all myself."
• "If my family were more supportive, I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed."

Shaming

• "I’m failing because I can’t handle this."
• "I’m not strong enough to keep going, and I should be able to manage."

Settling

• "This is just how it’s going to be; I have to accept it."
• "I’ll never find a way to make this situation better for myself."

The Emotional and Physical Toll

When you stay in this spiral, it impacts your emotions, well-being, and leads to isolation.

Emotions:

• Making Excuses: Leads to feelings of helplessness and frustration.
• Blaming: Generates resentment and anger.
• Shaming: Results in guilt and low self-esteem.
• Settling: Causes a sense of defeat and hopelessness.

Well-being:

• Making Excuses: Causes chronic stress.
• Blaming: Contributes to physical health issues.
• Shaming: Leads to mental health struggles.
• Settling: Results in burnout.

Isolation:

• Making Excuses: Leads to social withdrawal.
• Blaming: Strains relationships.
• Shaming: Encourages isolation due to embarrassment.
• Settling: Solidifies isolation as caregivers accept their situation as unchangeable.

Breaking the Spiral

To break this spiral, I needed to shift my mindset and take care of myself. Here’s how you can do it:

1. Acknowledge and Challenge Excuses: Identify the excuses and challenge their validity. Seek alternative solutions and support.
2. Shift the Blame: Recognize that caregiving is challenging and that it's okay to seek help.
3. Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with kindness. Understand that it's normal to feel overwhelmed.
4. Take Small Steps: Focus on small, manageable changes that can improve your situation.
5. Seek Connection: Reach out to support groups, friends, or professional help.

Homework: Journal Your "What If I…"

To help you start, I want you to journal. Write at the top of a page or in your phone notes, “What if I…” and brainstorm everything and anything that comes to mind. What if I took a day off? What if I didn’t do the laundry today? What if I read a good book? What if I called a friend? What if I asked for help? What if I spoke up? Brainstorm for at least 10 minutes, then circle one or two and do them.

Conclusion

Thank you for joining me today and diving deep into the reasons why we feel stuck and how we can break free from the spiral of making excuses, blaming, shaming, and settling. Remember, recognizing and understanding these patterns is the first step towards changing them.

As caregivers, it’s crucial to acknowledge our feelings and the impact they have on our well-being. By challenging our excuses, shifting the blame, practicing self-compassion, taking small steps, and seeking connection, we can begin to transform our caregiving experience.