Embrace your reality and self-love with Amanda Millemon

I had the pleasure of chatting with Amanda Millemon.  Here are a few notes I captured in our conversation.   

I looked really deep into my eyes and said to myself in the mirror -   you finally did it.  

I looked again and said - you finally did it. It felt good to say.  At the time I thought you finally got moved in, out of the situation but now looking back.- those words meant more - I finally did something for you.

Up to that point it was taking care of everything and doing everything for everyone else.  And I hadn’t taken the time to look deep in my soul and ask myself - what do I really want to be happy?. 

Being a special needs mom.   Caring for her over the years.  Doing what was best for her.  Finding a partner for her that would be a good parent for her.  I hadn’t taken the time to really look at myself.   For the first time I made a choice of self love.  It didn't happen overnight.  It took a lot of self-reflection to realize to do something that matters in myself.   You can’t pour from an empty cup.  It’s time for you and time to take care of myself. 

On the subject of feeling guilty. we think it has to be one or the other.  It’s ok to have those feelings but you can do both (caregiving, taking care of yourself).   You can’t give to your loved one 100% of the time.  

The reality of caregiving is always juggling schedules, ensuring their needs are met and how am I going to get my needs met and things done. 

 In a caregiving family, there’s always one person that has to make sacrifices.  It’s your new reality.    You usually grieve the life you had or think you had.  Once you come to the acceptance, you then can create a new reality.  Then work with what you have and accept  that’s what life has handed me.  These are the cards you have been dealt.  I don’t think anyone’s life is easy.  It’s ok to grieve and wish it was different.  But then you have to move from that.  You go through that repeatedly.  But then you have to remind yourself of your reality.  You can always look at what’s lost or find the beauty in the moment.  Such as: maybe we’re supposed to go through this life’s experience  

Once you get to that point of embracing your reality, life gets so much more beautiful.  

You can use your situation to find a new you instead of thinking of it as holding you back in life.  

She shares the trampoline example.  Do you want to let everything weigh you down or do you want to skyrocket through it?   

At the same time,  the moments you have (grief, loneliness, anger, sadness, etc) -  That’s normal.  You need to have those times.     Give yourself time and grant yourself grace.  It sucks and I acknowledge it.  Allow yourself time to feel those frustrations.  Then you pick yourself up and move on.  It won’t make anything better but you need the time.  You can’t be happy all the time.  “Bath in it”.  BUT then move one to what’s next - acceptance and new perspective.  It’s not healthy to stay in it.  

Tips to dealing with the day to day, new perspectives, and self-care:

• Talk to “your” person to share your experiences and use them as support and a person to vent to - to let those things go.  Get it out.
• Maybe it’s a friend or family member.  Join the Caregiver Cup community Facebook group.  A person that knows your situations and allows you to get things out and never judges.   Find your people and connect.  Don’t let things inside.  That’s what causes overwhelm.  

Finding different ways to connect with your support people:

• Text 
• Call
• Marco polo app
• Facetime
• Facebook Groups  - join the Caregiver Cup Community
• Facebook messenger

Remember it’s important to find that balance and take care of yourself.  It’s not selfish or negative thing.  If you do that you can give more of yourself.  

 What do you do to reduce your overwhelm?

• Focusing on the things we can control vs what we can’t control.  We have no ability to change that.  When we do focus on those we can’t control - that’s where the overwhelm starts.  We can control relationships, our energy, our well-being, etc. 
• Switching your thoughts, you become more empowered and feel control in your life. 
• Make a list of things you have control over in your life - making goals and you will see a difference.
• Gratitude journaling is a great practice and makes you appreciate what you were 
• Acceptance and gratitude are the two things that helped me 

What one thing you ask for help and delegate to make your life easier?

• Important to eliminate things that are too much
• Learning to say no to the things that are not important
• Narrowing down what’s a priority
• Letting stuff go - Learning to do that helps your mindset
• You don’t have to do everything and it doesn’t need to be perfect
• Say yes to yourself and your caregiving
• Being ok with not be super busy - it’s ok with just being and sitting